| My "gallbladder" is gone now. |
[Mar. 9th, 2004|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Passion of the Christ soundtrack | ] |
Good golly! I just had my "gallbladder" removed....
.....actually I got that penis reduction surgery that I promised Janet I'd get done. The gallbladder is just the story for the press. You know, it's just way too big to do anything about |
|
|
| Janet Jackson |
[Feb. 4th, 2004|11:27 pm] |
|
Seeing Janet Jackson's breast while watching the super bowl last sunday made my penis move upwards. Does this mean I'm going to hell? Considering this is deplorable and unnatural and against God's laws, I'm letting the FCC do a federal investigation on her. |
|
|
| Paul O'Neill I'll see you in H*** |
[Jan. 14th, 2004|08:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jesus Freak | ] |
Not only is Paul O'Neil trying to stir up stuff with our great supreme commander Bush, he also stole 10 of my Bic ball-point roller pens, you know the ones that are $5 a pen but you always manage to lose them after the first day? And he stole my stapler and hole puncher. I hope to see him in the 7th circle of hell with Howard Dean and Ross Perot! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2003|07:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Stryper -- To (h-e-double-hockey-sticks) with the devil! | ] |
I AM SO ANGRY! I told them I'M in charge of campaign finance fines! only those dreaded democrats deserve getting fined for campaign finance violations! I blame this on the ghost of Mel Carnahan and his liberal agenda. I knew I should've crashed that plane earlier! Darn it all to heck!
Well now that I'm paying a $37,000 fine, I'll have to tell Janet that I can't get that penis reduction surgery I promised her. I guess it will just have to remain as big as it really is. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2003|05:22 pm] |
Hello readers of my online journal and exercise in online regulation.
I didn't have the best day yesterday. As some of you saw on the TV screen or Newspaper, Bush decided to have a press meeting or something or other, I don't know what but I had to be there and stare off into space. Well, of course Tom Ridge was there! I really hate that guy! I'm going to add to the Patriot Act III a regulation that takes out "judge not lest ye be judged" out of the Bible just so I can deal with people like him (plus I am the supreme judge of the Land and I deserve that power!). Now I bet you're wondering why I'm so flabbergasted at the drop out. Well, remember the surprise laxative I put in his coffee at the last meeting? He got me back! Apparently him and Bush thought it'd be fun to find some type of hallucinatory substance from his college days and put it in my coffee!
So after the press conference/meeting, we are all standing around in the blue room eating ritz crackers, and I start seeing visions from Satan himself! Bush and Tom Ridge just stood there laughing saying "remember the time when blah blah lalalala harvard blah blah tripped out blah blah that Bill Clinton kid blah yurble yurble major league asshole gurble gurble...then a voice KILL HILLARY! I saw visions of Horses coming from heaven and reaping its vengeance from the clouds above and the Lord said "kill Hillary Clinton in my name oh servant!"
By this time I had woken and was on the ground in the blue room, and Cheney and Bush stood there giggling and said: "How's about some judgin', judge? You gonna do your job already?" and I got so mad. I said "WHERE'S TOM! you saw what he did! I demand justice!" They just laughed and Bush said something again about Harvard and the old frat days, but Cheney just laughed in between hitting his chest (I'm guessing because of his bogus ticker!).
But I tell you what, I'm fuming mad! That little word-I-cannot-say better watch his back! And if I see him floatin' around here on LJ I'll report his IP and no one will even know. what happened to him! He's not as bright as he thinks he is! |
|
|
| CSPAN finally gets rid of it's liberal protocol |
[Dec. 11th, 2003|05:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | enforcing my "gun laws"... | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | with "my gun" | ] |
Hey everyone...I'm on CSPAN!!! yeah! wow I'm boring...maybe I should work on my people skills. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2003|09:12 am] |
I noticed people have added me to their friends list....yessss....come here and I can control your civil liberties one step at a time!
Well everyone, here's a quick update on the old staff song. Every morning at 8, my staff comes out and we sing a song together to get us in the mood. Sometimes we sing one of my beautifully written hymns inspired by God's great Word and his Invisible Army of the Great Cherubim. Today we sang the song Onward Christian Soldiers, and I added a short bridge about the War on Iraq, God help all of their souls. Well one of my staff decided they would show off their "rebellious" (or i prefer evil) ways and did not sing the song because they said it went against their beliefs. I assure you he was dealt with in the most *appropriate* way.
I don't understand it...why do people have to deny their God-given Christian fundamentalist beliefs? Then they wouldn't rebel and use pills to kill their children and instead let their children have guns to protect themselves. I'm telling you, God gives us absolute truth, that's why you are all wrong, and Bush and his Great American Heritage of Truth will overcome. No more homo-pot-smoking-baby-killing-tree-hugging Americans anymore.
Janet said she is "unfullfilled" now. I said that it's a natural course of events and that God intended it to be so big, and that she should be glad it is as big as it is! Somebody loves it, I can't say who...ummm...God, yeah that's it. |
|
|
| you are all thieves! |
[Dec. 7th, 2003|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hail to the Thief (i.e. clinton!) | ] |
So what's this about a liberal media network? well i won't have it!
I'm calling up Bush and Michael Powell of the FCC and putting a stop to this. I mean, it's even in the patriot act! are people that stupid?!
"And then the Lord spoke unto them: you are thieves among us, yours will be eternal damnation." --Habakuk 2:35 (NKJV)
I think the above verse makes it clear that the democrats are evil thieves trying to steal the election that we won, hanging chads or not! And you can't deny the infallible words of the Bible! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2003|01:31 am] |
I'm keeping an eye on ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) queenmadeline because she wrote this. This makes me so angry! Lord save me now!!! a tree-hugging commie acitivist meat terrorist wants to sabatoge our meat! well let me tell you...it's in the PATRIOT ACT thank you very much. So you can't get away with it missy! I'm watching you..... |
|
|
| McCarthy was right... |
[Dec. 5th, 2003|11:53 am] |
After doing some searching on Google, I've found that there not only is a threat from terrorists abroad, but in the democratic party and their liberal conspiracy. That's right, they are liberals. Anyone who dares try to have government control the wills of the people is a liber....wait...no, I'm just power hungry, there's a difference.
This is why I'm drafting the patriot act III (or its technical name will be the Protection for Children and Minorities Act, so we get more votes. and technically, it's the children we are protecting since we are all children in some way right?).
Patriot act III will have the following things:
--Ban use of bad words on the net, like atheist, homosexual, and arab.
--Expand governmental powers to monitor the liberal conspiracy against those protecting family values
--Deny voters rights to anyone who is a part of the liberal conspiracy
--give Bill O'Reilly a pay raise
--Privatize Rush Limbaugh's "medicinal" needs
--Send all Jews and Homos to concentration camps. Hm...that's not original enough. Send them to Guantanamo Bay. Yeah that's better.
--Ban all sexually explicit books.
This should do the job! just quick note-taking really.
I'm sure Bush will love it. And I love Bill O'Reilly especially the night he took me to that club last year. What, it had good music! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2003|07:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  naughty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Village People best of | ] |
So this reminded me that I have to fix the kinks in the new spam software we're using to watch everyone's viewing pleasures. That's why we have them on all those FREE porn sites....FILTH!!! Debauchery doesn't play in America. So I'm at home trying to fix that and make it work. Bush called, left a message, said something about a chocolate penis? then I read his blog and understood. But I'm supposed to keep that a secret. Unfortunately my wife Janet heard the message and told Laura. Barbara called, said she knew about it but thought he'd outgrow it....guess now we're all afraid the heathens democratic candidates might find out and spread it around as propoganda against our regime. If word gets out I'll tell the press it's actually Tom Ridge who has the chocolate penis...errgh I'm tired of him! Oh, Arnold, don't worry, I won't say anything else about it, I understand. It's my size right? Did I hurt you? Janet says it's a problem too....that's why we haven't consummated our love....yeah......that's why...........back to my job working on these spam bugs tha..........gay what?!.......they can do that??.....hmmmm.................... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2003|11:44 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The song I wrote stuck in my head "da dadah dee de dah" | ] |
Golly Darnit!!!
Looks like Bush has undermined my power once again!
'100 to be freed' from Guantanamo Bay
I blame this on Tom Ridge! Bush just listend to everything he says. I told Bush, in confidence, that we need these evil-doers detained for execution [sorry again] trial!
It says in the good book "thou shalt take up thy stone into thy hand and throwest at thine enemies". What book is Bush reading?! Because that makes perfect sense to me! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2003|11:04 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
The new staff song didn't go over as well as I had hoped. I have a suspicious feeling that they don't really like it. And so I went floating around online just now, on my lunch break and I found this piece of blasphemy. Click down a ways. Someone on my staff thinks my songs "suck"? Well I tell you what...I just hope it's that person who was executed fired last summer during the staff retreat. I thought the morning sing-song went over well at the office. I hope I'm not one of those bosses that tries to be cool but everyone laughs when he's gone. I hope I'm the type of guy that people can respect and enjoy! I'm cool, right? So I might be behind the times a bit, I might listen to southern gospel music and drink non-alcoholic beer, but I can sure do amazing at Parcheesi!
The meeting with Bush didn't go as well as planned, he still thinks Tom Ridge is the best man for the job. Well, I showed him! you know that suprise in the coffee I talked about? well it left him coughing and gagging for an hour! So then it got me thinking...we should have more fun with executions. You know when I was governor of Missouri, we used to strip down people on death row and tie them up like doll puppets! It was fun! then we'd mix up their records so that the wrong people would get executed! It doesn't matter they don't deserve God's great salvation saved for the elect, the godly. |
|
|
| The American Empire of God |
[Nov. 30th, 2003|11:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | productive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Onward Christian Soldiers | ] |
I love being a conservative. There are two things you find in the middle of the road: a moderate and a dead skunk. There is no middle road for me, I cozy up in the far right.
Well I got to get back to writing my song for my staff to sing tomorrow. I think this one's about an eagle soaring, and then with the great American Empire of God flag in it's beak, flies above the three crosses bringing a hope to a generation of unbelievers. I might print the song here later. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2003|06:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pretty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jerry Fallwell on the radio | ] |
The Freedom Manicure I got this evening really brings out the color in my blue eyes!
And Howard Dean says he's a metrosexual, ha!
I'm supposed to meet Bush tomorrow. We're going to talk about national security. And that damn Tom Ridge is coming along! I swear he's trying to get all of the good jobs! The new kid's getting a suprise in his coffee...that's all I got to say.
Oh and I just discovered phone posts on this newfangled livejournal thing, so don't you think I can't listen in! I'll get out my wiretaps and spy on you!
Patriot Act II appears to be going well so far. I hope that it will expand my power and keep that Tom Ridge fella at bay (that is, Guantanamo Bay, mwahahaha!). He doesn't support what I do he thinks that the true terrorists are the ones with bombs, when really they are the ones with big breasts and small balls! that's right, transsexuals are on my list now. |
|
|
| You better sign up for the Draft, St. Bush says line up! |
[Nov. 30th, 2003|03:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sittin' by Guantanamo Bay, watchin' the tide...roll away! | ] |
Let me talk about morals for a while, OK people? I've seen a lot of immoral things floating around here on this livejournal place, and let me tell you --- I'm not going to put up with it. You better stop posting pictures of naked women and strap ons, and writing about oral sex, because these things don't belong in God's kingd--- *ahem* --- america. Our country was based upon good Christian values and this internet place is corrupting young minds one mouse click at a time. Now naked men are OK because its....uh....art....you know like the Greeks and stuff.
Folks, I'm not running around here trying to tell you what you can and can't listen to. In fact, I'm not using the Patriot Act at all. You people are silly to think I'm watching your every move at the library, as if I want to know if you're reading the latest Tom Clancy novel! AHAHAHA FOOLS! That's not what this is about. Instead, it's about filtering out everything that doesn't fit with our Christian values, that are instilled in you to not dance or drink alcoholic beverages or go to strip clubs. These are absolutes, and Government requires the upholding of these absolutes! That's why terrorism comes in many forms. Seeing a naked woman spread her legs at a strip club (one that I successfully shut down thank you very much!) is just as bad -- IF NOT WORSE -- than a man trying to embezzle money to afghanistan. If anything at least he's practicing Free Trade, another one of the Almighty's absolutes! I have the power to shut down all of your entertainment as I deem appropriate. And as far as that Eminem rapp kid, your turn will come....
St. Bush, our current leader for ethics and well being and the upholding of the above mentioned absolutes, will conquer. We will bring a hope to those who have no values except to kill and murder and fast once a year. We will also shut down all opposing 7-11's and the secret corporation of evil-doers floating around our bookstores and libraries. Intellectuals, PSHH! I prefer terrorist.
In personal news, I'm thinking about penis reduction surgery. It might help me more. I'm so big but I just can't seem to use it right, and it just gets in the way while having sex in the standard missionary position with my wife and her mouth shut, and without looking at her. I feel it's more appropriate to look at pictures of Justin Timberlake while having sex. It helps keep me from evil thoughts that women bring to my mind...yeah....that's it.... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2003|03:22 am] |
Welcome to my journal.
I am John ASScroft, but you can call me asshole. Everyone says I have a huge dick, but I have yet to learn how to use it. I usually just do things like prompt the PATRIOT ACT and things like that.
Hopefully my writing will be worthwhile...that is if you can handle it. Better watch what you say too... |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
