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John ASScroft

[ website | one of my adoring fans ]
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My "gallbladder" is gone now. [Mar. 9th, 2004|09:29 pm]
John ASScroft
[Current Mood |numbnumb]
[Current Music |The Passion of the Christ soundtrack]

Good golly! I just had my "gallbladder" removed....

.....actually I got that penis reduction surgery that I promised Janet I'd get done. The gallbladder is just the story for the press. You know, it's just way too big to do anything about
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Janet Jackson [Feb. 4th, 2004|11:27 pm]
John ASScroft
Seeing Janet Jackson's breast while watching the super bowl last sunday made my penis move upwards. Does this mean I'm going to hell? Considering this is deplorable and unnatural and against God's laws, I'm letting the FCC do a federal investigation on her.
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Paul O'Neill I'll see you in H*** [Jan. 14th, 2004|08:46 am]
John ASScroft
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Music |Jesus Freak]

Not only is Paul O'Neil trying to stir up stuff with our great supreme commander Bush, he also stole 10 of my Bic ball-point roller pens, you know the ones that are $5 a pen but you always manage to lose them after the first day? And he stole my stapler and hole puncher. I hope to see him in the 7th circle of hell with Howard Dean and Ross Perot!
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2003|07:47 pm]
John ASScroft
[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |Stryper -- To (h-e-double-hockey-sticks) with the devil!]

I AM SO ANGRY! I told them I'M in charge of campaign finance fines! only those dreaded democrats deserve getting fined for campaign finance violations! I blame this on the ghost of Mel Carnahan and his liberal agenda. I knew I should've crashed that plane earlier! Darn it all to heck!

Well now that I'm paying a $37,000 fine, I'll have to tell Janet that I can't get that penis reduction surgery I promised her. I guess it will just have to remain as big as it really is.
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(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2003|05:22 pm]
John ASScroft
Hello readers of my online journal and exercise in online regulation.

I didn't have the best day yesterday. As some of you saw on the TV screen or Newspaper, Bush decided to have a press meeting or something or other, I don't know what but I had to be there and stare off into space. Well, of course Tom Ridge was there! I really hate that guy! I'm going to add to the Patriot Act III a regulation that takes out "judge not lest ye be judged" out of the Bible just so I can deal with people like him (plus I am the supreme judge of the Land and I deserve that power!). Now I bet you're wondering why I'm so flabbergasted at the drop out. Well, remember the surprise laxative I put in his coffee at the last meeting? He got me back! Apparently him and Bush thought it'd be fun to find some type of hallucinatory substance from his college days and put it in my coffee!

So after the press conference/meeting, we are all standing around in the blue room eating ritz crackers, and I start seeing visions from Satan himself! Bush and Tom Ridge just stood there laughing saying "remember the time when blah blah lalalala harvard blah blah tripped out blah blah that Bill Clinton kid blah yurble yurble major league asshole gurble gurble...then a voice KILL HILLARY! I saw visions of Horses coming from heaven and reaping its vengeance from the clouds above and the Lord said "kill Hillary Clinton in my name oh servant!"

By this time I had woken and was on the ground in the blue room, and Cheney and Bush stood there giggling and said: "How's about some judgin', judge? You gonna do your job already?" and I got so mad. I said "WHERE'S TOM! you saw what he did! I demand justice!" They just laughed and Bush said something again about Harvard and the old frat days, but Cheney just laughed in between hitting his chest (I'm guessing because of his bogus ticker!).

But I tell you what, I'm fuming mad! That little word-I-cannot-say better watch his back! And if I see him floatin' around here on LJ I'll report his IP and no one will even know. what happened to him! He's not as bright as he thinks he is!
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CSPAN finally gets rid of it's liberal protocol [Dec. 11th, 2003|05:31 pm]
John ASScroft
[Current Mood |enforcing my "gun laws"...]
[Current Music |with "my gun"]

Hey everyone...I'm on CSPAN!!! yeah! wow I'm boring...maybe I should work on my people skills.
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(no subject) [Dec. 11th, 2003|09:12 am]
John ASScroft
I noticed people have added me to their friends list....yessss....come here and I can control your civil liberties one step at a time!


Well everyone, here's a quick update on the old staff song. Every morning at 8, my staff comes out and we sing a song together to get us in the mood. Sometimes we sing one of my beautifully written hymns inspired by God's great Word and his Invisible Army of the Great Cherubim. Today we sang the song Onward Christian Soldiers, and I added a short bridge about the War on Iraq, God help all of their souls. Well one of my staff decided they would show off their "rebellious" (or i prefer evil) ways and did not sing the song because they said it went against their beliefs. I assure you he was dealt with in the most *appropriate* way.

I don't understand it...why do people have to deny their God-given Christian fundamentalist beliefs? Then they wouldn't rebel and use pills to kill their children and instead let their children have guns to protect themselves. I'm telling you, God gives us absolute truth, that's why you are all wrong, and Bush and his Great American Heritage of Truth will overcome. No more homo-pot-smoking-baby-killing-tree-hugging Americans anymore.

Janet said she is "unfullfilled" now. I said that it's a natural course of events and that God intended it to be so big, and that she should be glad it is as big as it is! Somebody loves it, I can't say who...ummm...God, yeah that's it.
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you are all thieves! [Dec. 7th, 2003|01:59 pm]
John ASScroft
[Current Music |Hail to the Thief (i.e. clinton!)]

So what's this about a liberal media network? well i won't have it!

I'm calling up Bush and Michael Powell of the FCC and putting a stop to this. I mean, it's even in the patriot act! are people that stupid?!

"And then the Lord spoke unto them: you are thieves among us, yours will be eternal damnation." --Habakuk 2:35 (NKJV)

I think the above verse makes it clear that the democrats are evil thieves trying to steal the election that we won, hanging chads or not! And you can't deny the infallible words of the Bible!
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(no subject) [Dec. 6th, 2003|01:31 am]
John ASScroft
I'm keeping an eye on queenmadeline because she wrote this. This makes me so angry! Lord save me now!!! a tree-hugging commie acitivist meat terrorist wants to sabatoge our meat! well let me tell you...it's in the PATRIOT ACT thank you very much. So you can't get away with it missy! I'm watching you.....
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McCarthy was right... [Dec. 5th, 2003|11:53 am]
John ASScroft
After doing some searching on Google, I've found that there not only is a threat from terrorists abroad, but in the democratic party and their liberal conspiracy. That's right, they are liberals. Anyone who dares try to have government control the wills of the people is a liber....wait...no, I'm just power hungry, there's a difference.

This is why I'm drafting the patriot act III (or its technical name will be the Protection for Children and Minorities Act, so we get more votes. and technically, it's the children we are protecting since we are all children in some way right?).

Patriot act III will have the following things:
--Ban use of bad words on the net, like atheist, homosexual, and arab.

--Expand governmental powers to monitor the liberal conspiracy against those protecting family values

--Deny voters rights to anyone who is a part of the liberal conspiracy

--give Bill O'Reilly a pay raise

--Privatize Rush Limbaugh's "medicinal" needs

--Send all Jews and Homos to concentration camps. Hm...that's not original enough. Send them to Guantanamo Bay. Yeah that's better.

--Ban all sexually explicit books.

This should do the job! just quick note-taking really.

I'm sure Bush will love it. And I love Bill O'Reilly especially the night he took me to that club last year. What, it had good music!
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